ask Daddy

Cleaning out

2011-09-25T07:17:00.000-07:00

I've been fucked a few times and loved it, but rarely do it because of hangups about things not being clean enough. What should I know that will insure that I don't make a mess?
-Steve

The first thing you should realize is that shit happens, literally. There's no real way to prevent every ounce of crap from finding its way into a fuck session. Tops know this and unless you just didn't make any preparations at all, most are pretty forgiving about a little mess.

If you're completely paranoid about things, the best bet might be a "female condom" (FC). It's a latex sheath with a small rubbery ring on one end and a larger one on the other. You (or your Top) squeeze the small ring and slide it up your ass, then push it in until the larger ring is right at your cheeks. The Top then sticks his cock through the larger ring and fucks away, everything being contained in the sheath that's inside you. Two hints: lube the outside of the FC just enough to get it in you, but lube the inside of it with plenty of slick stuff. This will keep the sheath in place inside you and let the Top's cock slide easily. The benefit of all this is that the sheath stays in place, so you feel the pumping of the cock, but you don't have the "plunger effect" that can pull unwanted stuff down into your rectum. The bigger bonus is that since you're providing the protection, the Top can fuck you without having to use his own condom. This is great for those guys like me who love to fuck, but have a difficult time keeping it hard with a condom on. The drawback is that you will look silly as all hell with this ringed thing sticking out of your ass. Small price to pay, if you ask me.

If you don't have any FC available or you still want to do it the old-fashioned way, here are some tips about cleaning out from my own sub. They seem to work pretty well, since he's usually clean even after hours of playing.

Daddy Jim

Here are a few thoughts from my experience with cleaning out prior to getting fucked.

There is no magic to cleaning out, unless, of course, one wants to use the chemicals that clean you out from head to toe such as before a colonoscopy! That, however, is a prescription and takes a day to run its course. There are also OTC meds that will give one a mild case of diarrhea, but I don't recommend them.

I have found that the deeper the water goes, the longer it takes to extract and it always seems to pick up other matter on its way to the outlet. I tend to like the shower shot, but it takes time and, generally, gets water pretty deep. That is especially true if you bend over and let the water flow "upwards" into the gut. It will take a little extra time to get it all to come back down. If time is short and the "inserted" water is late coming down, it is not likely going to run clear and may come out during the fuck. There may not be a lot of solid matter, but it will most likely have some color and be very liquid.

For a quick clean out when fucking may occur shortly after cleaning out, the Fleet enemas or the shower shot with a weak stream of water may work just as well since it only cleans the lower part of the bowel. If the water does not go too deeply and only cleans the lower bowel, you are likely to remain relatively clean when coupled with lube. If the rectum area retains too much water from the enema, some lubes will breakdown in the water left in the rectum area and, again, things may get very liquid and runny.

I understand the issue with wanting to be clean, but unless you are willing to spend a great deal of time with repeated enemas that go deeply into you, I know of no guarantee or sure way that you will be squeaky clean. I don't like the messiness either, but sometimes it is simply the unintended consequences of being a sub. Always have towels, etc., under you since it is not uncommon for lube to drip even if you are squeaky clean.

I like to clean out deeply mainly because our play sessions seldom start with a fuck, so I try to clean as deeply as possible so that the other matter that is moving down will not get to the rectum area right away and I'm still relatively clean by the end of a session that can last several hours.

This is all my personal experience and may not work for anyone else. I have not read any accounts on the Internet about the best way to give/take an enema, so there could be some info that is far better than the above.

sub will

Additional tip from a reader: if doing an enema, lie on your left side. This makes the enema more effective.

Of course, getting an enema while hung upside-down from a chain hoist in the Top's playroom would probably work, too!
Daddy Jim

Making the switch

2011-08-24T12:42:00.000-07:00

Hi, Daddy!
I am a mature (53), smaller (5'7", 200 lb) man who has recently begun a long-distance relationship with a younger (38), bigger (6'5", 340 lb) guy. In my previous relationships, I have been the submissive one but my new boy wants a Daddy. Any suggestions for how I can make the transition from a sub Daddy to a dom Daddy so I can give my boy what he wants and needs?
If you can't answer this on your blog, I would greatly appreciate your thoughts privately if you have the time. I'm excited to enter this new phase of my life and want to do it properly for my boy.

Thank you!
Dan

I made that same transition in my life, but I came at it from a wholly different angle. The fact that you're excited about the transition puts you a few steps ahead of me when I was in your shoes; I didn't want to be a Dom. I had simply offered to train a new friend of mine in the ways of submission because he wanted to learn and because... well, because he was the hottest man I'd ever seen and I'd have done pretty much anything it took to play with him. What happened after his training started was an eye-opener for me, I found it unsettling, and I resisted it. After all, I had spent my adult life up to that point trying to be the best sub I could be. Why would I throw all those years away and change course? The reason is simple: it's who I am.

At the beginning of my sub's training, I had him answer the question, "why do you want to be a sub?" and his answer was always, "because it's who I am, Sir." Regardless of what I thought I was supposed to be, the signs were all there. In fact, when I announced to my friends that I was no longer going to be a sub, but had discovered that I am a natural Dominant, every last one of them (including a former Dom of mine!) was unsurprised. Most wondered what took me so long to figure it out.

And that's where you pick up now, Dan. Having been a sub before, you know what Doms do. You know about the play sessions, the activities, and (most of all) the mental demands on a sub. You understand when your boy says that he hopes to be collared someday because you've been there. In the long run, this will make you a better Dom.

*brace yourself*

IF you are, in fact, a Dom. Let that sink in for a minute. Dom and sub are not what people do, it's who they are. Top and bottom are what people do. Top and bottom are described by the actions taking place and the one who is or isn't in control of the action. Dom and sub are mindsets, ways of looking at a relationship, and they color everything we do with each other, both in the bedroom and out. You can be a submissive Top and you can be a Dominant bottom. If one man says "come over here and fuck me" and the man obeys, he is a Top but obviously not the one in control, no matter whose legs are in the air. I have had my sub fuck me on rare occasions because it's what I wanted at the time. There was never any question about which of us was the Dom then, though.

What I'm getting at is that being a Dom is something that comes from within you. Just as I spent many years of my life playing the part of a sub, I was never REALLY a sub. Likewise, you can jump into your role as your boy's Dom head first with gusto, but if it's not who you are, then you are simply roleplaying. Nobody will be able to tell you whether or not you're a Dom until you do it and feel it from within. Then you'll know.

For me, the difference was startling. When I was acting like a sub, I always had to fight to put myself into the mindset of "it's all about the Dom and his wishes." I couldn't just turn off my wants and desires and focus on receiving pleasure by making the Dom pleased in me. My last Dom used to tell me "you're a feisty pup!" He thought it fun and playful for awhile, but my lack of submission was trying for him in the long run. When I began training this friend to be a sub, though, I found that doing things as his Dom was natural. It wasn't a struggle, it simply flowed through me, as much a part of me as my musical abilities. I can't describe it any other way.

So my best advice to you right now is this: sit down with your boy and have a long talk. Explain to him that you are going to go on this journey together and that you're new at this whole Dom thing. Tell him that you're going to make mistakes, but you'll learn from them (God knows I made my share!). Make sure he understands that he'll have to help you learn as well. You can approach this together and forgive each other the missteps and you'll both be stronger for it.

I hope you continue to write in as you go, and I'll be happy to help you with specifics along the way. I might even help you avoid some of the bonehead mistakes I made!
I wish you both well.

Daddy Jim

Spanking

2011-08-17T20:45:00.000-07:00

I consider myself more dom and I'm particularly very fond of spanking.
Unfortunately I'm lacking partners to spank. Sometimes it's just because they are shy to admit they want to be spanked, other times I feel worried about pushing them into that while they might be interested.
My question for you is how to get some men into being spanked and what are the best possible ways to do that?
MH

Coaxing someone into spanking is much like coaxing someone into doing anything new and exciting. The first thing you need is to gain his trust, then you ease him into it slowly, never pushing him too far too fast. If he warms up to it (not just his ass!), then take it further.

Spanking can be a bit tricky, however, since many of us were spanked as children and that can be a source of hotness for the person being spanked as an adult, or it can be a source of trauma and bad memories that will end a session quickly. You can't often find out before the play session begins which of those extremes you'll be facing, but learning to read body language and verbal cues can clue you in pretty quickly.

If a person had loving parents and a fairly good childhood, then spanking can trigger good feelings. Yes, it hurts, but it wouldn't be happening if the person doing the spanking didn't love and care for me.
If the person had abusive parents, that whole scenario goes south pretty quickly.

Let's assume for now that you've got a guy who isn't going to relive childhood trauma across your lap, and you want to get him into a little ass-slapping. It never hurts to give him a few playful swats on his backside to see how he reacts. If he flinches or tries to move away, it might be best to leave it alone. A slight moan or other positive reaction is probably a good sign to take it further. Keep up the playful swats - nothing that will really sting at all - and continue to judge the reaction. You might even say something like, "have you been a bad boy? Do you need a spanking?" This puts it into role-play, which frees him up to say, "yes" to a spanking. After all, it isn't HIM that wants the spanking, it's the character you've just suggested that he play that wants the spanking. Taking it to "acting" can break the taboo that a lot of guys feel about wanting to be spanked. For some guys, it's like admitting that they're less of a man. Of course, that's bullshit... but it's real to some guys anyway. Give him a role to play and see if he runs with it.

However you decide to initiate it, if you want it to be an erotic time for him (and something he'll want again), start off very lightly. I can't stress this enough. When you spank an ass, the body sends blood to the surface of the skin to toughen it up and protect it from the blows. This is why an ass turns pink, then red. You need enough time with the soft swats to allow this to happen and allow his ass to toughen itself up before you start in with heavier blows. This will do two things: [1] it will increase his stamina and give you a longer session and [2] it will decrease the likelihood that there will be marks or bruises that last more than an hour or two.

Once you've got him to the point of enjoying this treatment, the main thing to remember is to land those swats carefully. Keep them on the part of his ass that has been "warmed up". Once you've gotten to the point of some heavy swats, landing one on skin that hasn't been worked yet will snap him out of it pretty quickly and could easily have him pulling up his britches and heading for the door... with a diminished trust in you. Pay attention and send him home sore, but happy.

By the way, the same applies for any sort of contact play, whether it's spanking, whipping, flogging, whatever. Let the body do its job and give it time to react to the easy strokes before you go full-tilt, then aim carefully.

Daddy Jim

Prostate milking

2011-07-09T14:48:00.001-07:00

A friendly online training Master suggested some time ago that i wear a chastity lock and use an online verification system. i resisted at first but in tribute to the Master's training i agreed to lock my cock and additionally wear a butt plug and harness. To my surprise i found the effects both mental and physical to be pleasurable and enhancing to my submissive state. Now i am considering longer term lockdown and wanted to know the procedure for prostrate milking, to allow me release without orgasm.
-BG

Long-term chastity can be both exciting and excruciating and can, indeed, greatly enhance feelings of submissiveness. Before I get into prostate milking, let's back up and explain why such a thing would even be necessary - couldn't you just hold out for months and months?

Well, you could... but it's not good for you. Backups in the baby batter can lead to problems with the prostate, including an increased risk for prostate cancer or prostate infection. Not good. In fact, many doctors suggest frequent masturbation (to a doctor, "frequent" is once or twice per week, ROFLMAO!) to keep the prostate healthy. Of course, if you're lucky enough to have a horny partner, getting off in other ways will achieve the same effect. Just do it, however you must do it!

The other potential side effect of prolonged abstinence is something called hematospermia. This is a tear in the blood vessels of the prostate that leaks blood into the semen. It can be caused by going too long between ejaculations, irritation of the prostate (like from a butt plug worn long-term), too-frequent ejaculation, and edging (repeated stimulation that nears climax, then stopping before ejaculation). The result is pink semen if the blood is fresh from a tear just before ejaculation or brown, chunky, foul-smelling semen if the blood has been in there for awhile before you cum. While not life-threatening, and it usually heals itself, it's still not the sort of thing you want to spring on your partner at that moment of bliss.

So now that it's obvious that you should keep your manjuice from backing up, how can you do that when your pecker is under lock and key? That's where the prostate milking comes in. Generally speaking, the method is to stimulate the prostate until it begins to produce fluid emissions. This can be done in a lot of ways:

You can do it with your hand. Bend over, get on all fours, kneel, whatever position is comfortable for you. Lube up a thumb and slide it up your ass. The thumbnail should be facing your spine and the thumb should be able to bend toward your front - if this isn't the case, you might not be human. Anyway, bend your thumb a bit until you find your prostate. It should feel like a small bump about 2 or 3 inches inside you. Use your thumb to massage the bump - if it feels like you have to piss, you've got the right spot. Eventually, semen should begin to leak out of your cock. This isn't exactly comfortable and might even be impossible for heavier guys or guys with short arms.

You can do it with a dildo. There are a lot of dildos out there that have a curvature to them specifically designed to hit the prostate. Many of them also vibrate, increasing the sensations to the sweet spot. Lie on your back and insert the dildo so that the curve points up toward the ceiling. Once you find the spot, turn on the vibrator or move the dildo around to massage the prostate into leaking semen.

You can do it with a partner. Have your partner massage the prostate with his fingers, dildo, or even with a good, hard fucking. Find a position that has him hitting your prostate on every stroke and let him go after it!

You can do it with electro. If you have an estim setup, you can get an attachment that will target the prostate and you can coax it to leakage with electric current. There are also devices similar to those used in livestock breeding that provide a sudden jolt to the prostate, causing the muscles around it to contract in much the same way that they do during an ejaculation. This forces semen out without all the waiting... but without the good feelings, either.

Speaking of good feelings, understand that releasing ejaculate via prostate milking is not the same as having an orgasm. There is no buildup, no breathless climax, no feeling of relief afterward. It simply leaks out, nothing more. If you were insanely horny before you milked yourself, you'll still be insanely horny when you're done. Many Doms and Masters incorporate prostate milking of their subs and slaves for this very reason. It keeps the prostate healthy while denying the sub the pleasure of orgasm until the Dom is ready for him to experience it.

Daddy

What to call myself

2011-07-09T14:47:00.000-07:00

Hey, Daddy Jim! In your blog, could explain the difference between bottom/boy/sub/slave. In terms of online dating or presenting myself, I'm not sure which role I fit into. Thanks for the help!
-Charlie

The terms you mention have slightly different connotations depending where you live and what site you put your profile on... but generally speaking, they can be summed up this way:

BOTTOM is the guy who is the passive partner in sex. If sucking, the bottom is the one with the dick in his mouth. If fucking, he's the one impaled on the Top's cock. In BDSM, the bottom is the one getting tied up, spanked, teased, tortured, flogged, whatever. There is no assumed Dom/sub role in the term "bottom," only an indication of who's receiving as opposed to dishing out. There are plenty of Doms out there who like to bottom and it's surprising just how controlling and demanding a Dom can be even if he's the one in the sling!

BOY is usually indicative of a man whose mindset is that of a learner. A "boy" can be any age, even older than his partner, but treats his partner (his "Daddy") in that sort of mentoring role. In some areas, "boy" is nothing more than a synonym for "bottom."

SUB is a submissive. This is not related to age in any way, but a mindset. A sub derives pleasure from pleasing his Dominant partner. Make no mistake, MOST guys get off on seeing that their partner is pleased, but a sub takes that mindset to a whole extra level. This mindset can be cultivated, but the best subs are those for whom it comes naturally. A natural sub can shut out his own desires and focus solely on meeting the desires of the Dom, using the Dom's pleasure as a means of self-satisfaction.

SLAVE is an extreme form of submission. The slave becomes the property of a Master and literally places all aspects of his life into his Master's control, whether for the duration of an agreed-upon contract or for life. The slave relinquishes all rights to the Master and lives in complete servitude. Often, there is a written contract that spells out the limits (if any) of the slave's service to the Master.

So in terms of how you want to present yourself, the first question you need to ask is what kind of a relationship are you looking for? Do you want a boyfriend, a Daddy, a Dom, or a Master? The answer to that question will dictate how to present yourself either in person or online.

Daddy

Butterfly session

2011-07-03T16:08:00.000-07:00

I've heard of something called 'butterflying' that involves the cock and balls. Can you tell me a
little something more about this?
-M

Remember back in the old days when boys collected insects like butterflies or grasshoppers? Their collections were often mounted on a piece of foam board or styrofoam, the insect impaled on a straight pin to hold it down to the board.

A "butterfly session" is one in which a bottom's scrotum and/or penis is pinned down to a piece of art board. The main difference between a butterfly session and one involving play piercing is the use of straight pins vs hypodermic or acupuncture needles.

A word of caution: because you aren't using sterile, one-use needles, you must be very careful about contamination and infection. Wipe down the skin you plan to puncture as well as the board you plan to pin things to with alcohol or some other disinfectant. Wear sterile latex gloves when handling the pins and be careful not to touch other stuff with your gloved hands before you start handling the pins and the cock and balls. If possible, sterilize the pins as best you can as well. If you have an autoclave, great, but if not then wrap the pins you plan to use in a cheesecloth and boil them before using them. When you get ready to use them in the session, pour some alcohol into a small container and drop the pins into it. You can wait a few seconds for the alcohol to evaporate off the pin before sticking him with it, or you can do it right away and watch him wince from the stinging. Your choice.

About the scrotum: it's TOUGH. Tiny, thin straight pins make smaller holes, but they're sometimes difficult to push through the muscle wall of the scrotum. T-shaped pins, obtainable at craft markets and sewing shops, are easier to push through, but they're larger and hurt more. Again, your choice. Pull the scrotum out and stretch it a bit, then hold it down to the board with two fingers. Spread the fingers apart a bit, making sure that there are no internal bits in the area about to be pinned. You want ONLY scrotum here, not testicles or tubes or anything else. While holding your fingers apart, push the pin into and through the scrotum between your fingers using your other hand. There should be little or no blood. Repeat this process until you have as many pins as you'd like. Again, keep the testicles and other internal stuff away from the pins. The bottom needs to remain still during the procedure, by the way, so some restrictive bondage is a good idea. Alcohol, drugs, or other substances are a bad idea. If something goes wrong, the bottom is going to be the first to know and you want him fully aware of his body and able to convey to you what he's feeling. You both should be sober (as is the case with most heavy BDSM) and fully alert. Celebrate the accomplishment afterward if you wish.

The penis may also be pinned, but since these pins are bigger than a hypodermic needle, it's best to pull the skin away from the muscle tissue and pin just the skin. It's unlikely that you can damage the penile tissue with a pin, but it's not impossible. As hot as the scene might be, it's not hot enough to make up for a trip to the hospital or a damaged dick. Also be very careful and take care not to accidentally stick yourself with the pins. A bloody pinprick can carry all sorts of nastiness, including HIV.

Once you're done, you'll eventually need to take the pins out. Do this carefully to avoid making the holes bleed and be aware that if the bottom needed to be tied down when the pins went in, he'll still need to be tied down when they come out. Much the same way as nipple clamps, removal of the pins can be much more painful than the application of the pins was. You don't want him jerking and thrashing about during this process, so make sure he's secure.

I've been through a butterfly session myself and I've had it done to my sub. Both sessions were hot and intense.

Daddy

Online personals

2011-07-03T15:25:00.000-07:00

I'm tired of the bars and want to try some online sites to meet guys. I've not had much luck with them in the past. Are there any secrets to being successful in online dating?
-JW

It's not so much a secret as it is how you approach it. Think of your online personals ad or profile as an advertisement for you as a product. Think about how products are pitched to you and what kinds of things make you want to run out and buy the product.

Firstly, you'll need a picture. There is no reason whatsoever for you not to have a picture on your profile. Period. Go back and read that again. Many (if not most) sites have the ability to filter out ads without pictures when doing a search. If you don't have a pic, the odds are pretty good that your ad will not get seen by very many guys. Yes, I understand that some folks need to be discrete and can't show their face on such a site, but a shot of a guy whose face is partially obscured by the brim of a cowboy hat or a ballcap can be sexy as hell. Nothing wrong with a little mystery, after all. Clear, closeup shots are best.
If the site allows multiple pics, then fill the gallery with interesting stuff. Maybe yourself in front of a landmark you've seen or doing a hobby that you find interesting. These things lead to insight about yourself and give prospective suitors something to break the ice with... "I like the pic of you at Folsom. I went there several years ago and had a ball."
If you want to include naked shots, then ONE pic of your cock will suffice. Nobody needs 14 shots of your pecker taken from different angles, unless you've got it tattoo'd and need that many shots to see all the detail. Oh, and ass shots are fine if you've got a nice one, but don't grab your cheeks and spread 'em for the camera. You're not being inspected for contraband, you're trying to snag a hot man.

Now, the text of your ad: for the love of God, people... write in complete sentences and use spellcheck. If a guy has to decipher your ad to figure out what the fuck you're saying, he's likely to lose interest. Punctuation is important. Capital letters are important. You can say the wrong thing without meaning to... for instance, there's a huge difference between "Fuckin' A, dude!" and "Fuckin' a dude!" Also note that WHEN YOU USE ALL CAPS it means you're shouting.

The main thing, though, is to be honest about yourself. How many times have you bought something and got it home only to find that it didn't work like you expected or it didn't look anything like the picture on the box? Those frozen dinners always look sooooooo good on the cover, don't they? When you make one, though, the experience always seems a little disappointing even if the food itself is plenty tasty. It's a matter of expectations vs reality. Going back to the picture - if you post a photo of yourself that's 15 yrs old and you look nothing like that anymore - you've set yourself up for failure. The very first impression you're going to give the guy is "I'm insecure about my age and/or appearance and I don't mind lying to you about it to get you in the door." The same is true for what you say about yourself. If you've got a 5" cock, don't describe yourself as "hung." It's quite likely that your suitor doesn't really give a rat's ass how big your cock is anyway, but if that "hung" quote nabs you a size queen, then he's only going to be disappointed when he sees it.

Point out your good qualities in your profile and don't apologize for those things that you consider flaws. Most of those "flaws" are things that other guys might find attractive, so if you say "I've got a weight problem, but I'm dieting" then you've insulted the tastes off all the chubby chasers who might read your profile. Say instead, "I'm a bear, but working on becoming an otter" or something like that. If you don't know what your good qualities are, then ask your friends. They're your friends for a reason, after all, and they obviously like you. Ask them why.

There are some things that DO need to be mentioned, even if they might filter out some folks. Stuff like disabilities, married, erectile dysfunction, being poz, etc. The reason is not that these are bad things or "flaws" but they are the kinds of things that could be a deciding factor in whether or not a guy wants to hook up with you. It's much better for both of you if they know this up front and make a decision as to whether or not it's an issue for them before they contact you and potentially waste time for both of you. You don't want to be the human equivalent of the Blackberry Playbook tablet computer... advertises itself as "the professional grade tablet" and then when you get it home, you find out that it doesn't do email.

Last but not least: save something for the guys to discover about you. YES, put your most interesting tidbits in the ad, but leave things generalized enough for guys to contact you and ask questions and then discover some of the good stuff.

Online personals are a mixed bag. There are some really great guys out there (I found my sub online) and some real losers as well. How you present yourself in your profile will go a long way toward which camp you'll be put into when a hot man reads your ad.

Daddy

Play piercing the nips

2011-06-19T07:13:00.000-07:00

I've developed an insatiable taste for consensual nip play.
Used the clothes pins, clamps, fingernails and teeth biting.
Now I'm interested in play piercing.
Any information on safe play in play piercing?
-Mark

Nip play is one of those love it/ hate it activities. Some guys will say that their nips are "wired to their cock" while others complain that "they are very sensitive, please leave them alone."

I can tell you that my own sub probably cringed just reading the title of this post, as his nips are the one part of his body that I don't mess with if I want to keep him hard and horny. On the other end of the spectrum, I played with another man who shot a huge load all over my chest from nothing more than me working his nips with my fingers.

As for play piercing, this is a different activity than getting a piercing and then adding jewelry to it. Those cases should be done by a licensed professional in a controlled environment, preferably with some referential research done beforehand. Play piercing involves no jewelry, as it's the act of the piercing itself that is the purpose, and the needles are removed after play is over.

First things first: safety. Needle play can lead to injury, infection, and all kinds of other nastiness. Treat the skin that's going to be pierced with an alcohol rub (no, beer doesn't count!) and only use brand new, sterile hypodermic or acupuncture needles. Period. In my younger, more careless days, I got my left nip pierced with a safety pin. Don't go there, trust me. The next morning erased every ounce of hotness from the previous night's play.

The Top should be wearing latex gloves (preferably sterile) so he doesn't transfer any bacteria from his hands to the bottom's freshly treated skin. Extreme care should be taken by the Top to avoid accidentally sticking himself with the needle as he's working. HIV can be transmitted via needle sticks! While the needles are in, the bottom shouldn't move around too much or do other things that will risk having the needles break off. Being tied down will help this, and could also intensify the session in other ways. BE STILL when the needles are going in.

Once the scene is over, remove the needles with as much care as you used when they were inserted. Again, the Top should take great care to avoid being stuck by the needles and another alcohol rubdown on the pierced skin is a good idea. Yes, it's likely to sting, but you just had needles shoved through you, so just deal with it. This is the least of your worries right now.

Allow a few days for the area to heal before having another session. Also be aware that you can desensitize your nips with heavy play, so moderation is the key if you plan to use those things. Go as heavy as you like, but give them a rest for a few days between sessions, even if you aren't breaking the skin. This helps to keep them sensitive and prevents "cauliflower nips."

Daddy

Daddies and Masters

2011-06-16T15:53:00.000-07:00

Is there a difference between Daddies and Slave Masters?
-JR

The labels that we apply to ourselves tends to be constantly in flux when it comes to the definition and connotation of the words. Daddy, slave, Master, boy, Dom, sub... the meaning can change from year to year and even from one area to another. "Daddy" used to simply mean a man who was significantly older than his partner, or one who liked partners much younger than himself. It has also been used to describe any man over the age of 40, regardless of how old his partner is.

In my case, "Daddy" is how I describe myself because that's the sort of role that I have in my relationship with my sub. He was quite inexperienced in BDSM when I met him, so there was a strong sense of teaching, mentoring, and guidance in how I trained him. I was not only training him to serve me, but was also introducing him to the world of BDSM and the gay culture as well. During his training, I instructed him to choose a name that he would call me by to differentiate those D/s times from the "real life" times (my sub is married, so there are times when we need to be "just friends" around others - addressing each other by a specific name makes it clear when we are in D/s mode) and he chose to call me "Daddy." My name for him is "pup," though we don't engage in puppy play. In my younger days as a sub, "pup" was my training name and my sub said he'd be honored to adopt that for himself.

But I digress.

"Master" is a title that usually denotes one who commands a slave. The lines between "Master" and "Dom" can get blurry, but generally speaking a Master has a slave and a Dom has a sub. Slaves are treated as the Master's property, subs are treated as the Dom's submissive lover. Again, depending on whom you ask, you may get a different answer. These are the definitions that I use.

There is also a segment of the leather community that frowns on the use of "Master" until that person has been deemed worthy of it by his peers. He will be presented with his "cover" (leather cap) and given the title by them. This is a holdover from the Old Guard protocol, where a man's leathers are earned rather than purchased for himself.

As for me, even if I should be presented with a cover and given the title of Master, I would still probably refer to myself as a Daddy. It fits me, I'm comfortable with it, and when my sub uses that name for me it is intensely personal and meaningful.

Daddy

The nature of leathersex IRL vs porn

2011-06-16T15:29:00.000-07:00

On the web, "leather sex" seems to me to be based not on a "power exchange" but rather on a Perfect Man/Inferior Man theology. This is especially true in stories. Or, to put it another way, you could say those stories are based on an Alpha Plus Master/Omega Minus Slave theology. It involves the constant humiliation and degradation of the "bottom," whose ego is absolutely destroyed. How accurate is the AM/OS theology as a description of reality? Is it found in real life as well as in stories?

-JR

I have a lot of straight friends who ask me if "that's how it really is" when they run across a snippet of gay porn somewhere online. I tell them that gay porn is every bit as realistic as straight porn: there is a nugget of realism buried under multiple layers of no-fucking-way fantasy.

In the case of leathersex porn, the stuff seems to be made by folks who don't know anything about BDSM. Yes, the activities are there, but the attitude is almost always "I'm the Top, worship Me, you're the bottom, you're scum." Truthfully, there are those kinds of relationships out there in real life, but they are rare and IMHO they aren't very healthy. While it can be kinda hot to roleplay such a thing, using lots of verbal abuse, humiliation, degradation, having the bottom grovel at your feet, pleading for your cock, both of the players understand that it is roleplay - the bottom doesn't believe himself to be an unworthy sack of shit any more than he believed you were a hunky fireman during the last roleplay session. You have your fun, you play your roles, and when everyone's gotten off, you're back to your real selves again.

Why the porn industry seems to think that nearly every BDSM session looks like that is beyond me. Perhaps they don't understand that even though the Top is dictating what the bottom should do, it's not because the bottom isn't worthy or capable of making those decisions... it's because the bottom thrives on the erotic nature of not being in control of his situation. The fact that he isn't making those decisions is what makes it hot for him. A good Top understands that a good bottom is a wonderful thing, worthy of high praise and great respect - even if calling him "bitch" makes him suck your cock with more enthusiasm. He isn't serving you because you're better than him, or because he's worthless, he's serving you because his nature is to serve and he has deemed you worthy of his service. I know that some Tops just about shit themselves when they read that, but in most cases this is the truth. Sorry, gentlemen, the secret is out.

Yes, there are those guys who really do believe themselves to be worthless and feel that they should be abused and degraded because it's what they deserve, but those guys need a therapist before they need a Master. Of course, you should keep in mind that the attitudes and actions of a person during a session can be completely separate from those in the real world. Just because a sub grovels in the playroom doesn't mean he feels that way about himself in general, and what I just wrote in the preceding sentences wasn't about playroom pigs, but about those guys with a genuinely low self-esteem. A man should be a bottom, a sub, or a slave because that's his calling and because that's what turns him on... not because he believes that he can't be anything better.

"Because he can't be anything better" leads me to another misconception about the BDSM lifestyle to folks on the outside. It's true that the level of power in a D/s or M/s relationship is uneven, with the Top having considerable more power than the bottom, but it is NOT true that the Top is "better" than the bottom. The Top isn't a Top because he's better than the bottom, he's the Top because that's how he's designed and the bottom is the bottom because that's what's natural for him. Nothing more.

This has already gone on too long, but I'll close it with my own experiences. My sub is a fine human being. He is compassionate, loving, intelligent, and he'd do anything to help out his friends or family. He keeps his promises, holds honor and truth in high regard, and he has mad skills in the playroom. By all accounts, he's the kind of guy that any sub would feel honored to serve - but he's a natural submissive himself and he serves me. We respect each other greatly and both of us approach this relationship with the idea that we will do our best to earn our respective places - he earns his collar and I earn his service. Every day. I live by the credo I read in a forum somewhere: If you treat your sub like a piece of shit, then you deserve to be served by a piece of shit.

Daddy

CBT - how hard?

2011-06-15T22:12:00.000-07:00

I'm into CBT, looking for hard hits to cock and balls, more pain. How can
you know how extreme you can go, to avoid permanent damage.. until you've
crossed that line, how can anybody know?
-Steve

Basically, you can't. Pain is the body's way of alerting you to danger and if your junk is getting whacked, you'll feel it in a big way. That's your reproductive system that's getting messed with and your body is on autopilot when it comes to protecting those things that keep the species going. The more you need a particular body part to procreate, the more pain your body gives you when that part is in danger.

Unfortunately, for those guys who enjoy that intense pain, you do so at a substantial risk, since there's no way to really know how much is too much until you go there. The balls can take quite a bit of abuse, but if they do get damaged, it's almost always a trip to the hospital. Those things don't heal themselves if you get beyond a bruise. A ruptured testicle will spill blood into your scrotum, which can cause a nasty infection in addition to unbelievable pain.

The balls can be squeezed fairly hard and they can be handled roughly or even smacked lightly without too much worry. However, sharp smacks or hits that slam the nuts against the pelvic bone are the most likely to do damage. If you hit them, choose an implement with a bit of cushion to it, like your fingertips or a toy rubber ball with a handle attached (I made one with a rainbow-colored soft rubber ball and the handle from a wooden spoon, both items bought at Target for a total of about $3). Also, if you plan to smack them with more than a light force, let the nuts hang loose in the sack as opposed to tying them up and holding them still. The mobility of the nuts in the sack allows some of the force of the blow to be absorbed in the movement, reducing the chance of injury.

I'd say that to be on the safe side, rather than opt for more extreme hits to your play package, look for new ways to cause them discomfort. Perhaps the variety will satisfy your needs as much as extra intensity would have. Experiment with electro - you can really, REALLY cause some pain by e-stimming your eggs, without nearly the risk that hitting them would create. Also, get a rubber glove and rub some max strength Ben-gay on your nuts, then beat off using it for lube. Pay particular attention to the head. After you've shot, you'll have a new appreciation for how sensitive your junk is right after climax. Just make sure that you've washed it off really good before your partner wants to blow you!

Daddy

Cleaning out

2011-06-15T21:45:00.000-07:00

What's the best way to clean out an asshole for play? I've given him enemas until the water runs clear but a lot of times that changes as we get really into the scene. It seems like dirty water will seep out as the scene progresses.
-Ed

Unless you're into scat play, few things can ruin the mood of a hot session faster than some unwelcome smells or dirtiness associated with a hole that isn't clean. How you clean is largely dependent on how long you plan to play and what activities you plan to do.

If you're just going to go right to fucking and be done with it, then you really only need to clean out the area where the dick is going to go. If you're going to be playing for several hours, or if you're going to be fisting, then you'll need to deep clean.

For shallow cleaning, you can use a squeeze bulb cleanout device commonly sold in sex stores. Fill the bulb with lukewarm water, attach the nozzle, shove it up the hole and squeeze. A couple of times should do the trick. You can also use a hot water bottle with an enema hose attached or numerous other items built for enemas. When you're getting rid of the water, though, just sit on the toilet until you've stopped passing the water. If you stay there longer, you'll be moving more stuff down into the lower regions and you'll have to start over. Also, when you're doing a shallow clean, stand upright. This keeps all the water in the final portion of the intestine so it will all be expelled. If you bend over, water can get farther up inside you and it won't find its way back down until later... most likely while you're playing.

For deep cleaning, you'll need some time and patience. Enemas are most effective when you can allow the water to enter you slowly, preferably in small doses. Lie on your left side and let the water enter you for a few seconds, then shut it off. Wait for any cramping to subside, then let a few seconds worth of water in again. Continue until you are full, but not miserably so. Allow the water to stay in you for a few minutes before expelling it. Repeat if necessary. It may take several trips to the bathroom before all of the water has found its way south again, so plan for that time as well.

You can use a "shower shot" nozzle attachment in your shower for a quicker cleaning, but be very careful. Turn the water on before shoving it up your ass, making sure that the water flows but doesn't shoot out too fast. Too much water pressure can cause damage to your body.

Also, you can use store-bought enema kits, but do NOT use douche products. The chemicals in them do you no extra good, and they can actually irritate the membranes and make them more susceptible to STDs.

If you want to really prepare your hole and you know far enough in advance that you'll be playing, you can put yourself on a liquid diet for a couple days beforehand. Take some laxatives or stool softeners to flush out what's already in there, then the liquid diet won't put much extra into your system. You'll be clean as a whistle, especially if you do one last enema before playtime.

Keep in mind, though, no matter which cleanout procedure you use, you are removing beneficial bacteria from your bowels along with all the shit. After cleaning out, eat some probiotic yogurt (like Activia) or take probiotic supplements to get the bacteria back into your system after playtime is done. This will help in digestion and prevent problems in the days afterward. Also, you will be a bit dehydrated after a deep cleaning, so drink lots of water afterward as well.

Daddy

Aftercare

2011-06-11T11:00:00.000-07:00

Is there "aftercare" for slaves ever or does the slave provide
the "aftercare" to the Master?
-BT

"Aftercare" is a period of cooling down after a play session. It is often psychologically and emotionally rewarding for both Dom and sub and depending on the intensity of the session, can be absolutely mandatory for the well-being of the players.

Physical aftercare is usually provided by the Dom to the sub, to attend to first aid matters (see the post on Flogging for an example).
Emotional and/or psychological aftercare can be handled in a variety of ways, with no "right" or "wrong" way to do it, and the purpose is to allow pent-up intensity to dissipate and for the Dom and sub to come down from their adrenaline high together. Sometimes this is done silently, perhaps in an embrace. Sometimes, the two may discuss the session and relay the feelings and emotions felt during the various activities.

Aftercare is important for BOTH the Dom and sub, but for different reasons. The sub may need emotional reassurance that he is loved and cared for, especially after a difficult-to-endure session. The Dom may want to show his appreciation and admiration for the sub in ways that don't necessarily fit in with a play session. It's all very much a two-way street. If either of you isn't getting his physical and/or needs met during aftercare, then that should be addressed at some time outside of a play session.

Daddy

Toys on a budget

2011-06-11T10:45:00.000-07:00

I want to build a collection of toys for my playspace, but everything is so expensive! Where can I shop to get the biggest bang for my buck?
-cheapskate

If you want to play on a budget, the last place you should shop are the online toy stores. Most of those sites have an incredible markup and they take advantage of folks who either don't live in an area with a sex shop, or that are too embarrassed to set foot in one and place a kinky item on the counter to purchase. Think of these sites as the sex toy equivalent of a convenience store.

If the item you want is not shaped like a body part, chance are that it has a non-sexual purpose as well. Figure out what that could be and then buy it from a regular store. For example, erotic sites that deal in e-stim equipment sell "elastic penis bands" that connect to your electrosex power box. They are around $50/pair. Fry's Electronics, Radio Shack, and other DIY computer shops sell "anti-static wrist guards" for about $3 each. They are exactly the same thing.

If the item is BDSM-specific, then a non-sexual item might do the same job. For example, a pair of velcro restraints for the wrists or ankles can retail for as much as $80/pair. They're nice, but Home Depot sells a product called "Husky Hang-alls" that will do the same job for about $5/each. They come with a steel attachment ring already on them! Sure, they look different, but some guys love the DIY vibe when a Dom creates his own toys... and those that don't appreciate it can be blindfolded!

If the item is BDSM-specific and you really want that specific item, try eBay. I have purchased several floggers, restraints, hoods, dungeon furniture, and a host of other stuff from eBay merchants. All of the stuff was new and priced at 50%-90% off what I'd pay at an online site or even a local sex shop. If nobody on eBay is selling what you want, try finding out who makes the item and then google the manufacturer. Chances are that they have a site where you can order it directly from them and save about 20% off the retail sites.

Of course, there are some things that you aren't going to be able to find anywhere but the high-priced places. For those items, you'll just have to save your pennies until you can afford it.

In the meantime, a creative Dom can get a lot of milage out of a blindfold, a few feet of rope, and a bag of clothespins.

Daddy

Flogging

2011-06-11T10:14:00.000-07:00

What is the right way to flog a slave?
-JG

Flogging is a very intense activity, both physically and emotionally. It is also a dangerous activity that can lead to injury if done carelessly.

Safe areas of the body for flogging are the shoulders, upper back, buttocks, and the backs of the legs. Light flogging can be done on the chest and stomach, but that shouldn't be done without extensive experience. For the purposes of this questions, I'll stick to the back side of the sub.

First, choose the area that you want to flog and warm it up. You can do this with your hand, gently slapping the areas until they begin to show some rosy color, or you can use a light paddle or other implement. You can even use the flogger itself, although I find that it's much harder to pinpoint where it lands when you aren't swinging it very fast. As you're warming up the areas, his body will send blood rushing to the skin (which is why it turns red) and this will toughen up the skin in preparation for what's coming later. This is a very important step, don't skip it. Doing this will minimize the possibility of injury and will allow the sub to withstand a much longer, more intense flogging.

Second, take your flogger and start out lightly. Only hit those areas that you've warmed up and keep those areas warmed up by moving your hits around the body from time to time. Avoid the kidney area (lower back on either side) and watch that your flog tips don't wrap around the torso, legs, or other areas. Not only are those areas not warmed up, but the added velocity of the strike as it wraps around can send a nasty jolt to the sub and take him right out of the mental state he was in. A sub will sometimes go into a trance-like state called "sub space" during a flogging, and a wayward flog on a "cold" area will snap him out of it in a hurry!

Third, watch your sub very carefully for changes in body language, breaks in the skin, differences in the sounds he makes, and breathing pattern changes. The better you know your sub, the easier it is to "read" these signs and know how he's doing. It's also a good idea to take a short break every few minutes and let both of your collect your thoughts and rest for a bit. If the break lasts more than a few moments, you'll need to back up the intensity a few notches and get him back to the previous intensity level gradually.

Fourth, when the flogging is over, it's a good idea to spread unbroken skin with a vitamin E and aloe lotion to moisturize and speed healing. If the skin is broken, clean it well to remove any residue from the flogger and/or sweat and apply an ointment of your choice. The sub is also likely to be emotionally drained from the experience, so even if there is no need for first aid, a period of cool down and aftercare is recommended before moving on to the next thing in your session.

For a more detailed how-to on flogging, look for the outstanding book and DVD called "S/M Tech: Flogging" by Joseph Bean. It's available on Amazon and several other sites and it is extremely well done.

Daddy

Punishment and discipline

2011-06-11T09:52:00.000-07:00

This may seem like a naive question but as a sub I appreciate the discipline and punishment I get but I always want to know, since they don't always show it, if the Daddies are getting a strong sense of sexual enjoyment and pleasure from the punishment and pain they deliver?
-T

That's a multi-layered question, T, so let me start by making sure everyone understands what I mean when I say "punishment" or "discipline."
Punishment is something that is administered to correct behavior that has displeased the Dom. It is a reaction to something that has already happened and it is not meant to be enjoyed. The purpose is to give the sub a harsh reminder that such behavior is unacceptable and to act as a deterrent to it happening again.
Discipline is something that is administered to condition a sub's behavior so that it will please the Dom. It need not be a reaction to a past event, but can be used to mold the sub into behaving a certain way. Discipline can often be something that is enjoyable by both Dom and sub.

Does the Dom derive pleasure from disciplining a sub? Generally, yes. Even if the activity used for discipline might not be something that turns the Dom on, the end result is a sub who behaves himself in the way that the Dom wants him to, and that makes for a very happy Dom indeed!
Punishment, on the other hand, is not supposed to be pleasurable. If it is, then it's not very effective and you could end up with a sub who constantly misbehaves in order to get the "punishment" he craves. This sort of game playing is not allowed in my house, under any circumstances. I know D/s couples who play that game to the great enjoyment of them both, but they also understand that it's a game - and that if real punishment is needed, things are handled very differently.

As for the Dom not showing his pleasure... well, if the sub is being punished for errant behavior, then the Dom is not pleased! If it's discipline, and the Dom isn't showing anything, then it could be that he is in a mindset or a mental role-play that has him in a stoic or gruff character and this role is heightening his excitement. It could also be that the Dom just isn't the sort who shows much emotion during a session. Every Dom is different and the reactions of one Dom can't be used as a measuring stick for the reactions of another.

If there is any doubt in your mind at the end of a session about the Dom's reactions to what you both did, you might try a humble stance and a soft-spoken, "Have I pleased you today, Sir?" The answer will probably tell you even more that you read here.

Daddy

Why?

2011-06-11T09:16:00.000-07:00

Why do an advice blog, and why you?
-JD

I find that the Internet Age has brought BDSM into the mainstream. In the past, the scene was more underground and one was introduced into the lifestyle by people who would mentor them and show them the ropes, as it were.
These days, nearly any computer or smart phone can pull up information - and often, misinformation - about BDSM culture, practices, and protocol. While this readily available information has brought a lot more people into the BDSM arena, it has also sidestepped the mentoring process and a lot of folks want to participate but aren't sure what to do or how to do it. In addition, there are folks who are "old pros" who just need to get some advice or to bounce an idea off someone who not only won't judge them for their kinky lifestyle, but who has some actual experience in the real world.

I'm a long-time BDSM enthusiast and have lived in this lifestyle for many years. My earliest kink play came at a very young age when I discovered the joys of self-bondage at age six or so. I am a natural Dom and I have a collared sub, but I have also been a collared sub myself as well as a switch. I have seen and experienced a huge variety of BDSM activities and employ that knowledge in my well-equipped playspace. I am, most importantly, a strong believer in teaching people how to have fun safely. If I can't do something safely, I don't do it at all.

I look forward to answering your questions and helping out with advice.

Daddy