Hi, Daddy!
I am a mature (53), smaller (5'7", 200 lb) man who has recently begun a long-distance relationship with a younger (38), bigger (6'5", 340 lb) guy. In my previous relationships, I have been the submissive one but my new boy wants a Daddy. Any suggestions for how I can make the transition from a sub Daddy to a dom Daddy so I can give my boy what he wants and needs?
If you can't answer this on your blog, I would greatly appreciate your thoughts privately if you have the time. I'm excited to enter this new phase of my life and want to do it properly for my boy.
Thank you!
Dan
I made that same transition in my life, but I came at it from a wholly different angle. The fact that you're excited about the transition puts you a few steps ahead of me when I was in your shoes; I didn't want to be a Dom. I had simply offered to train a new friend of mine in the ways of submission because he wanted to learn and because... well, because he was the hottest man I'd ever seen and I'd have done pretty much anything it took to play with him. What happened after his training started was an eye-opener for me, I found it unsettling, and I resisted it. After all, I had spent my adult life up to that point trying to be the best sub I could be. Why would I throw all those years away and change course? The reason is simple: it's who I am.
At the beginning of my sub's training, I had him answer the question, "why do you want to be a sub?" and his answer was always, "because it's who I am, Sir." Regardless of what I thought I was supposed to be, the signs were all there. In fact, when I announced to my friends that I was no longer going to be a sub, but had discovered that I am a natural Dominant, every last one of them (including a former Dom of mine!) was unsurprised. Most wondered what took me so long to figure it out.
And that's where you pick up now, Dan. Having been a sub before, you know what Doms do. You know about the play sessions, the activities, and (most of all) the mental demands on a sub. You understand when your boy says that he hopes to be collared someday because you've been there. In the long run, this will make you a better Dom.
*brace yourself*
IF you are, in fact, a Dom. Let that sink in for a minute. Dom and sub are not what people do, it's who they are. Top and bottom are what people do. Top and bottom are described by the actions taking place and the one who is or isn't in control of the action. Dom and sub are mindsets, ways of looking at a relationship, and they color everything we do with each other, both in the bedroom and out. You can be a submissive Top and you can be a Dominant bottom. If one man says "come over here and fuck me" and the man obeys, he is a Top but obviously not the one in control, no matter whose legs are in the air. I have had my sub fuck me on rare occasions because it's what I wanted at the time. There was never any question about which of us was the Dom then, though.
What I'm getting at is that being a Dom is something that comes from within you. Just as I spent many years of my life playing the part of a sub, I was never REALLY a sub. Likewise, you can jump into your role as your boy's Dom head first with gusto, but if it's not who you are, then you are simply roleplaying. Nobody will be able to tell you whether or not you're a Dom until you do it and feel it from within. Then you'll know.
For me, the difference was startling. When I was acting like a sub, I always had to fight to put myself into the mindset of "it's all about the Dom and his wishes." I couldn't just turn off my wants and desires and focus on receiving pleasure by making the Dom pleased in me. My last Dom used to tell me "you're a feisty pup!" He thought it fun and playful for awhile, but my lack of submission was trying for him in the long run. When I began training this friend to be a sub, though, I found that doing things as his Dom was natural. It wasn't a struggle, it simply flowed through me, as much a part of me as my musical abilities. I can't describe it any other way.
So my best advice to you right now is this: sit down with your boy and have a long talk. Explain to him that you are going to go on this journey together and that you're new at this whole Dom thing. Tell him that you're going to make mistakes, but you'll learn from them (God knows I made my share!). Make sure he understands that he'll have to help you learn as well. You can approach this together and forgive each other the missteps and you'll both be stronger for it.
I hope you continue to write in as you go, and I'll be happy to help you with specifics along the way. I might even help you avoid some of the bonehead mistakes I made!
I wish you both well.
Daddy Jim
