On the web, "leather sex" seems to me to be based not on a "power exchange" but rather on a Perfect Man/Inferior Man theology. This is especially true in stories. Or, to put it another way, you could say those stories are based on an Alpha Plus Master/Omega Minus Slave theology. It involves the constant humiliation and degradation of the "bottom," whose ego is absolutely destroyed. How accurate is the AM/OS theology as a description of reality? Is it found in real life as well as in stories?
-JR
I have a lot of straight friends who ask me if "that's how it really is" when they run across a snippet of gay porn somewhere online. I tell them that gay porn is every bit as realistic as straight porn: there is a nugget of realism buried under multiple layers of no-fucking-way fantasy.
In the case of leathersex porn, the stuff seems to be made by folks who don't know anything about BDSM. Yes, the activities are there, but the attitude is almost always "I'm the Top, worship Me, you're the bottom, you're scum." Truthfully, there are those kinds of relationships out there in real life, but they are rare and IMHO they aren't very healthy. While it can be kinda hot to roleplay such a thing, using lots of verbal abuse, humiliation, degradation, having the bottom grovel at your feet, pleading for your cock, both of the players understand that it is roleplay - the bottom doesn't believe himself to be an unworthy sack of shit any more than he believed you were a hunky fireman during the last roleplay session. You have your fun, you play your roles, and when everyone's gotten off, you're back to your real selves again.
Why the porn industry seems to think that nearly every BDSM session looks like that is beyond me. Perhaps they don't understand that even though the Top is dictating what the bottom should do, it's not because the bottom isn't worthy or capable of making those decisions... it's because the bottom thrives on the erotic nature of not being in control of his situation. The fact that he isn't making those decisions is what makes it hot for him. A good Top understands that a good bottom is a wonderful thing, worthy of high praise and great respect - even if calling him "bitch" makes him suck your cock with more enthusiasm. He isn't serving you because you're better than him, or because he's worthless, he's serving you because his nature is to serve and he has deemed you worthy of his service. I know that some Tops just about shit themselves when they read that, but in most cases this is the truth. Sorry, gentlemen, the secret is out.
Yes, there are those guys who really do believe themselves to be worthless and feel that they should be abused and degraded because it's what they deserve, but those guys need a therapist before they need a Master. Of course, you should keep in mind that the attitudes and actions of a person during a session can be completely separate from those in the real world. Just because a sub grovels in the playroom doesn't mean he feels that way about himself in general, and what I just wrote in the preceding sentences wasn't about playroom pigs, but about those guys with a genuinely low self-esteem. A man should be a bottom, a sub, or a slave because that's his calling and because that's what turns him on... not because he believes that he can't be anything better.
"Because he can't be anything better" leads me to another misconception about the BDSM lifestyle to folks on the outside. It's true that the level of power in a D/s or M/s relationship is uneven, with the Top having considerable more power than the bottom, but it is NOT true that the Top is "better" than the bottom. The Top isn't a Top because he's better than the bottom, he's the Top because that's how he's designed and the bottom is the bottom because that's what's natural for him. Nothing more.
This has already gone on too long, but I'll close it with my own experiences. My sub is a fine human being. He is compassionate, loving, intelligent, and he'd do anything to help out his friends or family. He keeps his promises, holds honor and truth in high regard, and he has mad skills in the playroom. By all accounts, he's the kind of guy that any sub would feel honored to serve - but he's a natural submissive himself and he serves me. We respect each other greatly and both of us approach this relationship with the idea that we will do our best to earn our respective places - he earns his collar and I earn his service. Every day. I live by the credo I read in a forum somewhere: If you treat your sub like a piece of shit, then you deserve to be served by a piece of shit.
Daddy
